I had a dear friend to tell me something one summers afternoon years ago that I will never forget- “Growing up without an earthly father, I had no idea how much God loved me until I had my own child.”

I always craved to know what that felt like, the love of a father and a glimpse of how God loved me, His daughter. And because of the gift of Jasper- now I do.. now I really do. Jasper has now given me that glimpse of the unconditional love that I’ve had my whole life from God. The love that I once ran from and never fully understood.

I haven’t been ready to talk about it yet or even share, and to be frankly honest, I’m still processing it all having a newborn that all of my heart and energy are being poured into right now. But my heart is ready to write it out and for me, sometimes that’s the only way. This story isn’t for sympathy, but in Hopes that it can lead to healing for others in the way it was for me- to encourage those with empty holes, before it’s too late.

The news tried to come in shortly after Jasper was welcomed into this world, but thankfully in God’s perfect way, the words that would crush a part of me were interceded and kept from me so that I could enjoy our world with Jasper before finding out news that I knew I would one day have to bear. So there it was- my father had passed away. From an overdose most likely which was nothing that surprised my broken heart. And ironically- it happened less than 24 hours after God brought Jasper into this world. The timing shook me to my core, but not in a bad way, in a grateful and healing way.

God took a huge gaping hole that was buried deep in my heart from my father, and filled it with one of the greatest joys of my life- Jasper.

Some may look at this as a complete tragedy to bring one of the biggest blessings into this world of your entire existence and also to lose the man that brought you into this world, But my heart screams the irony and perfection of God’s timing.

All the years of questioning the wait for a child and all the years of questioning the lack of my earthly father all collided at once as my heart said hello to my son and goodbye to my father. My heart said hello to the little one my heart had desired for so long and goodbye to the man that caused so much pain in my life for 33 years from his own brokenness- all at the same time. I stare at Jasper and wonder how a parent could ever leave their child and never look back. It’s something that I will never understand nor am I meant to.

Four years ago, I put a letter in the mail that started with, “I think 26 years has been long enough…” to the last address that I could find from my father’s jail records and signed it- “Your daughter.”

Three days later at the salon, my phone began ringing with a Greenville, SC number and my heart said, “its him.” That night John sat beside me and held me, as I had the first conversation with my father in 26 years. The last time at four years old that I heard his voice, I was a bright eyed little girl, and he was a lively middle aged man. But four short years ago, he sounded so worn down and weary. Twenty six years is a long time to miss out on the life of someone who was supposed to be there every waking moment.

What a life changing experience that conversation was that I will never regret, but surely would have been a regret for the rest of my days had I have not stepped out of my own bitterness to forgive a man when I had been forgiven by so many, for so much. What was such a painful place for me, suddenly filled with true compassion and empathy for a man I barely knew.

I got to tell him voice to voice, but most importantly heart to heart that I had forgiven him. It was one of the best steps that I had ever made. To release the bitterness and pain. To understand that this broken human being didn’t make his choices to hurt me, but simply because he as a human being didn’t take the initiative to do better. The pain he inflicted on himself by that decision was unbearable to him. One that he spent the next thirty years drowning out with addiction. For me, I was set free from it all- the hurt, the questions, the unworthiness, the anger. Something changed in me that day when I heard his heart and his pain after all of those years. I had pursued healing in my own way and knew this was a step that I needed to take leading back to the root of so much heartache. I realized that we both had an immense pain in completely different but similar ways. We yearned for the love of each other through all of those years but lacked in something that is supposed to be so natural. A love never intended to be divided.

This man caused tremendous, aching pain in my life by walking out and leaving us standing in a parking lot all those years ago- but today, I thank God that he did. I thank God that he made that decision rather than to put us through continued heart ache that we would have to relive day in and day out. We lived in the heartache in a different way, but we also took the opportunity to create the life that we wanted and to heal in our own ways and not to wallow in the choices of a man who never would have wanted that for us in the first place.

I loved that man- he’s my father. Many days I questioned, “how do you love a man that you barely know?” He made me and brought me into this world. I barely knew him, but my heart beat after him was strong and evident. I will forever have a deep yearning to be a daddy’s girl. I still see glimpses of fathers and daughters and sometimes tear up with the mourning that I never had nor will I ever have that opportunity, but that’s what makes me who I am. That’s what gives me my story to help other girls who know what that feels like. He’s part of who I am and will always be. My birth last name will always be his. My lineage will always belong to him. He’s the man that God put in charge of me. Thank God that our Heavenly Father is the father to the fatherless, when others can’t be. Thank God He puts others in our lives that help fill the holes that others leave.

Grace is the word that I think of when I think of my father and when I think of that day 4 years ago. And oh, what grace I, myself, have been given throughout my time here on this earth. Who am I to not grace another?

Some things in life aren’t meant to be rekindled or revived- But forgiveness always is. Grace always is. Mercy always is. Don’t wait until it’s too late to forgive the ones who have hurt you. Wether you do it in your own heart or face to face. Forgiveness for him did far more for me than it probably ever did for him.

Things I’ve learned:

-Understand that maybe the person that hurt you is doing better than the example they had.

-Have empathy that others hearts and heads are not always aligned to do what seems so obvious and right to us.

-99% of the time, the pain that others inflict has nothing to do with you, but the pain they live with in their own hearts.

-Respect the position that others stand on in your life. And trust that no matter what, God has a purpose in it all.

-Know that feelings buried alive will never die. Be brave enough to face them.

-Don’t wait on another person for your own healing because it may never come.

I’m guilty of coming to God with my own agenda. With my plans and wishes. With what I want. Now I see…. His is and was always perfect. Mine never was. And these life circumstances make me realize how perfect He is.

Be courageous… be grace filled… and never miss the chance to set yourself free.