When God says He will give you back better than what you lost, believe Him.

When I look back to this picture, taken on this day, just two short years ago, I am completely and utterly overwhelmed at God’s redeemable grace. One of my favorite quotes says, “Look around, this time next year nothing will be the same.” And it wasn’t. And two years later, it still isn’t. It’s sweet and it’s redeemed.

You probably can’t tell from my smile in this picture, but I was completely and utterly broken. Not only from John’s addiction, but from the wreckage that my past had left me in since childhood. Banged up, mentally and emotionally. Literally and metaphorically. A sleepless bag of bones with an emptied and dried up spirit. Shattered into a million little pieces. Where the light that I once knew, was quite dim. Everyone saw it in me, as a close friend told John towards the end, “her smile used to light up any room…” That hurt, but it was true. What I thought I was hiding, everyone saw. A smile through tears, just like we humans do. But I learned God doesn’t like to leave us where we are, He loves us too much and sometimes it takes us going through pain to finally face it. I had to finally come to the end of myself.

John was broken too. He was tired of running. He had come to the end of himself as well. He was tired of being a chameleon. He had no idea who he was or what he wanted out of life. Always finding an identity out of false things and running towards and with the world. He was ready to surrender and lay it ALL down. To not hold onto the things that our fleshly human desires can’t seem to let go of. To finally discover the man that God had called him to be 30 something years ago. He was ready to fight for himself and for his life with what he was quickly learning was the only way to fight- with God by his side. Because all along… God had left the 99 to chase down the one. And that was him. And the rejoicing that happened when John finally came home was a beautiful site in Heaven.

We had no idea what was next or what tomorrow held but we knew we couldn’t focus on that. When I dropped him off in that little town in the hills of Tennessee. I didn’t know if I’d ever want to see him again.When he kissed me goodbye, I had accepted that it might be the last time that his arms would ever be wrapped around me.  When he turned and told me, “I love you Chelsea.” I replied, “You don’t. You have to learn to love yourself before you can know how to love me or anyone else.” It’s a truth that he still stands on today. To be fully known and loved by God is the way to love others in return.

Driving out of that gravel drive, I felt my heart leap out of my chest as it remained with him as he watched me pull away. In my rear-view mirror, as I whispered the scariest prayer I ever did pray: “Your will be done God, not mine.” All I wanted was him to be healthy and healed, with or without me. It was time to release him into the hands of God.

{No matter if it’s the person actually struggling with an addiction or the ones loving them, the pain is pretty equivalent. We all get hurt in the game.}

That eight-hour ride back is where my healing started to begin. And the next few days is where John’s healing would begin as well. Peace overwhelmed me as I (completely) surrendered Him. I’ve learned there is a huge difference in complete surrender and partial surrender. God can’t work in partial surrender the way He wants because we are still in the way. But let me tell you about complete surrender… He can and will move mountains! We had NO idea what God was about to do in the both of our lives.

As I returned home to a quiet place and got into bed with tear stained cheeks, I looked at the frame on my wall. And as I had done every night going through the darkness, I continued on and whispered the 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 verse, over and over in my head until I fell asleep… “Love is patient, love is kind….”

We both said, God, we’re all in! 

God began to draw us together and started to restore what had been broken. Little did we know that He would use the love and commitment that we had to each other to break down walls and pains that had been building for far too long. We kept on fighting through, only this time- it was with God on our sides. He began to transform the both of us and to heal us from the inside out. To recreate us and the desires of our hearts the way He had intended all along. Taking out a window here, replacing a door there… and most of all, He began to make us whole again, separately, so that together, we could stand strong.

And see, the thing is, I’m not ashamed to share these grim details today. In fact, I’m quite thankful. I’m not afraid of what people may think by our past because of what God has so graciously redeemed in our present. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t still days that didn’t ache and moments that still didn’t trigger a quietness inside of me. But the beauty of it all is that God took what the enemy meant for evil, and He turned it to good. And I mean so, so good.

We are flawed and still worthy.

Now, married over a year, a husband that serves the Lord relentlessly, and heading into full time missions is more than what I thought God could ever do. Us God? That’s the truth and that’s also the beauty of it, because He proved to me and He showed me that He is faithful and that He wants so much more for ourselves than we can even want or feel we deserve for our own lives.  He far surpassed our wildest imaginations. Blessing upon blessing and grace upon grace, many days I still catch myself thinking, “God, we don’t deserve this.” But He says we do!

The beauty is that the faith that we have settled inside of us today is a feeling unlike anything we’ve ever known. It was the wound that pushed us both closer to God. The beauty is that we’ve both personally seen so many miracles to not believe that His miracles are abundant and are evident. Miracles that don’t even make sense and defy the human knowledge or statistic. The glory is that because of our story of brokenness and pain, countless others have stepped into a faith and healing unlike anything they have never known. It has ignited something. His glory, not ours. Even in the brokenness that still permeates our steps some days, we know He is still faithful. Even in days where we don’t know what’s next, we trust that He does. Even in days where we know we aren’t strong enough, we know that He is.

We know God on a level that we couldn’t or wouldn’t have known without pure tragedy.

We know that prayer is mighty, for we have seen them richly answered in abundance. We know that God’s plan is always greater than our own. We learned that we do enjoy God on the mountain tops, but we get to know him most intimately in the valleys. And for that simple fact, John and I would do the valleys in that season all over, a thousand times again, to get to have the freedom and healing that we now have with Him.

I found a devotion that I saved two days after John left:

My princess: I will heal your heart,

Don’t get discouraged, My beloved; pain is a part of life. But I promise you that I will turn every tear you’ve cried into joy, and I will use your deep pain for a divine purpose. Don’t try to hide your hurts from Me. I know everything about you. You are Mine, My beloved! I’m the only one who can handle your heart and restore you to health and wholeness again. I, too, have felt great pain, rejection, and anger. But we can go through every trial together. Hand in hand I will lead you back to My place of peace and joy after the storm. The sun will shine on you again, and your heart will be healed. I promise you, My princess, that when you go through deep waters of great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned. Love, Your King and your Healer.

And He did. Two years to the date, every bit of this devotion and promise from the bible has shown itself so true and so worthy.

So, to whoever needs to hear this or whoever may relate to our story. We know it’s many and we see you and we feel the heartache and the overcoming with you. Never stop walking forward. Never give up hope. Looking back to some of the darkest times in our lives, God knew exactly what He was doing. I heard Him speak into my life loud and clear on one of the darkest nights, “Child I know you don’t know what I’m doing right now. But someday you will. Trust me.” So, I trusted that, and I held onto that with everything that I had. And today, I can now see. I see what He was doing all along, I see what He was preparing us for, and I see what He is doing still. I see how faithful He is. I see how precious His grace is. I see the many things that He knew I personally needed healing in, and He used John for that. And mine for John. He used the darkness for that overcoming. I see how many others are hurting, that He has used our pain in. I see how He has made vulnerability and transparency something so beautiful in the lives of others. I see how EVERY SINGLE SECOND is purposeful in the blueprint of our lives. Whether we chose it or whether He chose it for us. I see how today, we have a faith unlike anything we have ever know, because of our very own broken story.

The longer you stay in hiding, the longer you remain hindered.

We all have a story, we all have struggles, and no matter what you are going through today, don’t give up. Keep on fighting. Be that chain breaker. Never be afraid to let it all go, to let it all out- there is power in that. Keep on walking ahead with your hands held out, open to receive whatever He has for you. Because let me tell you- It’s something whole and it’s something beautiful, something that would blow your wildest imagination.

Without our pain, we wouldn’t have the blessings and healing that we do today. And for those very valleys, I am forever grateful. I am so thankful for my diligent and fervent husband for fighting for us and for fighting for His life. For growing stronger every day and for having the courage to walk into the man that God has called him to be. Our gratitude and hearts for Spring to Life Ministries and for Pleasant View Baptist Church is indescribable. The transformation to lives that are changing generations is unlike anything we’ve ever seen. Thank you for letting us be a part of the ministries. For believing in us and for walking beside us, from baby steps to fervent warriors. For God’s faithfulness through you and for your tender guidance to so many, we are forever grateful.

So, cheers to two years and God’s unending grace. To many more years of growth and laughter and overcoming. And trusting Him more and more when it comes to being the faithful father over our lives. We love you and thank you for loving us, sweet Father.