Hello my two year old darling!

This sweet month of April will forever be my favorite. It’s a month I birthed you and met you face to face, heart to heart. A moment my life changed forever.

To be frankly honest, my feeble heart is mourning the saying goodbye of the past two years. Simply because I’m not ready to move forward. I could revel in the last two years forever and I mean that with my whole heart. This life has a quickness that I didn’t realize existed, until I met you. One that the world tells you about, but one that you can’t fully grasp until you are face to face with it. Don’t ever forget that truth, Buddy. I know the next stages will be just as sweet, and I will have favorites to every season, but my heart aches for the quickness of it all. Time is fleeting and my heart has positioned itself differently to cherish every little moment before it becomes a beloved memory. I pray you always do the same.

I want you to know that I met the best me when I met you. The world often says, “Don’t lose yourself in motherhood.” And if you ever question who I was before you, it was half of me, because there was a hole in my heart waiting for you. As cliche as it sounds, it’s a truth because of the years of pain that came in the waiting. Waiting over a decade for you came with a yearning unlike anything I have ever felt. I believe being a mom is everything that I was made to be. Buried deep in my heart as a little girl and birthed the day you came into this world. Instantly that emptiness was overflowing. If I could have only seen what God was making for us, I could have endured the wait with a little more ease. So know this Jmac, the waiting in life is some of the most precious times. I know it’s painful, but it’s worth it. As Papa taught me so well, a truth to be passed down generations, it’s the valleys that we grow in. That’s where the shade is hidden deep under the canopy. That’s where the streams flowing freely give us water for the thirst that we long for. That’s where the food is, giving us nourishment to keep us going. That’s where the rest is given and where the truths are embedded deep into your spirit. Count those valleys as joy in the midst of the waiting, always.

I never knew what this kind of love felt like before you. Growing up without my father, I always yearned to know what a father’s love felt like. It was something so foreign to me. I recently taught on agape love in a class and felt that lifelong question burning in my heart, deep inside of me. That is what it is- my love for you and God’s love for me. Since you came into this world two years ago, the love for you was a fierceness that couldn’t be described. A selfless, reckless love that is unconditional. Up until this point, I didn’t fully understand or relate to God’s love for me, and because of you, now I do. I’ve had to let go of what love wasn’t and re-learn what God says love is. You are the greatest earthly example of that!

NOTHING that you ever do will make me stop loving you. No mistake, no angry word, no decision. Nothing! I’ll love you on your worst days just as much as I do on your best!

This world throws so much advice and opinion towards motherhood that so many days I can find myself overwhelmed by it all. Questioning if I’m doing it all right by you. Doing it right in raising you as the man that God has put you on this earth to be. I reach out to wise counsel when needed, but have learned in two years how powerful spirit led mothering is. There is this deep, innate whisper inside of me that seems to always know what is right for you. Even when I don’t understand it and even when I have never been there or experienced a situation before. Some days I can’t even explain it to your daddy, I must heed to the spirit. I want you to know that I will always try my best to run towards the Father when I don’t have the answers. I know that I will fail miserably some days. So know, that I will heed to the still small whisper in my heart when it comes to raising you the best I can. That I will always chase the spiritual gift of discernment that I hear and feel. And that even when you don’t understand it, that you would trust me as the mother who held and built your heart and body inside of mine.

You see buddy, motherhood is different for every single person, and that’s ok. That’s what makes this world go around. But this is a little glimpse of what motherhood is for me:

-It’s waking up in the wee hours of the quiet night, seeing the moonlight shine through the windows and feeling your warm, soft skin against mine.

-It’s still nursing at two years and watching how incredible God made the human body to give you exactly what it needs to survive and thrive in seasons of sickness and of health. A season that I will greatly miss and a realization to how perfectly God created us. I’m not ready for this “last.”

-It’s you running to me for comfort in a way that no one else or nothing else can satisfy.

-It’s little shoes scattered at the door and balls through the front yard. A house that is not as tidy as it once was but a home that is filled with life and love.

-It’s waking up in the early morning when the sun is hitting just right, to a smile and a kiss from a little human being that is half me and half daddy.

-It’s going to bed and praying at night as your little hand grabs ours and holds on tightly, as you say “maymen!!” Ending the evening in no more perfect of a way.

-It’s when the world is heavy and the days have been tough and I come home to you running as fast as you can, screaming “mama!!!” as you wrap your little arms around my neck and the rest of the heaviness of whatever it may be instantly becomes featherweight.

-It’s a laughter and a joy that is true and organic in a world that lacks so much of it.

-It’s kissing your face and your soft skin and not wanting to ever stop. Knowing that one day, those kisses will be one for the cheek.

-It’s the first of many experiences with you that will forever be embedded on my heart, and the lasts that I know I will want to live a million times over.

One of my biggest prayers that I have prayed over you since birth is that you would be bold, but gentle. Kind, but brave. I already see so much of those characteristics in you. You are so gentle the way you love without restraints. Your big hazel eyes hold pure compassion, but you chase after the things that you want with a fierceness.

I still often wonder of the man you will be and where life will take you. What you will become and the role you will play in this world. As sad as I am to see the past two years fade away, I am excited to watch you grow and become.

Here is to year two. Here is to the moments that I will be intentional with loving you and cherishing you and the gift that God has given in you, to me for this time here on earth. You are what I prayed for and because of you, I get to celebrate my very own miracle. May you never lose the wonder in your soul, because I can see it changing the world.

Love,

Mama