A letter to my one year old son.

If I could have only seen God in the years of pain, sitting beside me saying, “I know this wait hurts my child, but I have the sweetest little boy waiting on you. I’ve made him specifically for you and John. I’m forming his innermost parts and I’m preparing you and John for him. He will have your eyes and your Cherokee cheeks. His name shall be Jasper. I’ve got big plans for him. He will be a warrior and you will fight to bring him earthside and you will live out surrender during it all. I know you can’t comprehend my plan In the now because it doesn’t make sense, but when you meet him and hold him in your arms for the first time, I promise you will. Trust me child.”

One. Whole. Year. Of it all making sense….

There was a day and many a season where I didn’t know if I’d ever get to meet you, Jasper Mac.

But, then I welcomed you into my arms and heart , and I can’t remember life without you. I can’t remember the “me” that I was before you or the “us” that this family was before there were three.

You changed my whole world and our whole world. And it’s the best and most welcomed change that I’ve ever known. Your presence has mended relationships, brought joy to the broken in many places, and made us live out our very own miracle.

When they said time was a thief, I underestimated the value of such a simple saying. It hit me in our living room floor this past week that this was my last week with you as a baby. I held a lump in my throat, crocodile tears In my eyes, and a jolt to my heart. They always say, “you don’t know when the last will be the last, until it is.” And quite frankly, I don’t know if I’m ready for any of the “lasts” of your first year.

Thousands of diapers.

Thousands of smiles and tears.

Thousands of hours of nursing life into you.

Thousands of hours of us sleeping side by side, heart to heart.

Thousands upon thousands of pulls to my heartstrings that have never been strung.

And just like that… the first year is done.

I feel as if I’m sitting in the in between, not ready to let go of the baby year, but ready to embrace the next seasons with you. I know it will be fun and I know it will be precious, but I want you to know- as of right now, your baby stage is my favorite thus far! There were so many favorites in the very places that everyone tries to scare you with- the late nights that it was just you and me while the world was fast asleep. The cries when no one else could calm you but me, for it gave me purpose unlike anything I’ve ever felt. The endless hours of nursing because I got to see how God made my body to supply you with everything that would keep your body alive and thriving. The fiercest love of a human in being constantly needed because it allowed me to understand a whole new level of love that I didn’t know existed, and most of all it gave me a glimpse of the way that God loves me.

There are so many moments in our first year that I never want to forget and thank goodness for our thousands of pictures and videos because those will always take me back to a memory otherwise potentially forgotten. I am encouraged by your eagerness to learn how to be a little human in this world. So hungry for knowledge. I love our private worship parties in the middle of our living room floor- just you and me, swaying to the music and letting the words sink into our hearts. I covet our prayers in the dark of the night where I am overwhelmed with gratefulness and dreaming about what kind of little human you will be, while praying protection over whatever refining fire may come.

I am uplifted by the chuckles that radiate through the walls of our home and bring joy no matter what the day has held. I am calmed by the songs that I sing to you with a return stillness of the heart and eyes.

If someone asked me what my favorite was with you in this first year, I wouldn’t be able to give an answer because it all was. You have given me a joy and a heart inside of me that beats unlike

Anything that I’ve ever felt. You’ve given me a calling that has made me understand all of those years of waiting and wondering, loss and pain. You’ve given me a fight and a drive unlike anything that I knew was held inside of me.

In just one short year, you have changed me from the inside out. Literally, everything about me. They say, “look around, this time next year, nothing will be the same.” And it’s the most true and best different that I’ve ever felt on this side of heaven. The desire inside of me was evident and fierce to be a mom, but never in my wildest imagination did I dream it would fulfill a place in my heart this much.

You are a moment by moment reminder of God’s faithfulness.

You are a daily reminder in the purity of human nature.

You are a stop you in your tracks reminder of how fleeting time truly is. You are a heart reminder of how important legacy is to a helpless little being, learning to be human, that has been entrusted to me for this time here on earth.

You are a constant reminder of God’s unconditional love that I’ve always craved to know.

A year ago, on April 30, 2021- I had no idea how drastically our world would change. Not only to the human eye but the very innards of myself. This week, I have relived a thousand times the moment meeting you last year. How we fought together to bring you into this world safely, and we did it. Your dad and I cried for days just at the sight of you, living in this euphoric place, and we’ve never stopped living there.

Studies show that fetal cells relocate into the mother during pregnancy and stay in her body for decades after delivery. That’s the blessing of God. One of those blessings that we don’t even realize until we understand how perfectly He made us. From baby to mother, I know you in a way that I’ve never known another human being. As the same way that God put breath in my lungs and a heart that beats, I know you, and He knows us.

I question everyday as a human being and as a mom if I was intentional enough for you. If I hugged you tight enough, or taught you enough, or played enough, or exemplified in the right ways, enough. And I won’t always. I will fail you every single day. I’m human and I know I won’t always get it all right, but I will try my hardest. I will extend grace to myself and to you. And I promise you, as I did the day you were born, I will never stop fighting for you. I will give it all that I have and all that I never knew that I had. Just as your BIRTH day, one short year ago, with everything in me. I will protect you, and keep you, and raise you, and fight for you. And I will continue to be the best me that I can be, for you and for daddy. You guys are my greatest ministry.

I want you to always know that I’m here. As I will forever be. Unconditionally and whole heartedly. I want to walk by your side with whatever life may throw at us. With ears to listen and arms to hold you tight on the good days and even tighter on the tough days. Those days will come sweet boy, trust me, but it will grow you and make you into the man that God has called you to be but I promise, you won’t ever have to walk them alone. I know I won’t always be able to fix it as my heart so desires to. Your daddy has to remind me of that often. But forever, we will walk through this thing called life together.

So with all of that being said… I love you more than all the stars in the sky.

There is nowhere else that I’d rather be. Forever my baby you’ll be. Thank you Jasper Mac for the best one year of our entire lives.

With the deepest love for you,

MOMMY