A letter to my half a year old son 💙

Jasper Mac,

How in the world has it been six whole months in this world with you? Everyone always told me it will fly, and my whole body feels that, intensely, with a sense of bittersweet like I’ve never felt. Some days I want to cry at how fast, and other days I want to cheer at the little boy you are growing to be. But I don’t miss a day to revel in the perfect gift that you are.

-You have taught me so many lessons in six short months. Lessons that have changed me forever and truths that will continue to mold me into who I am becoming as a wife, mother, and friend.

-You have taught me the fiercest love I’ve ever known, and shown me into a new world of how the Father loves me. More fierce than the fiercest. A love I never got to experience here on earth from a father.

-You have taught me that mundane moments are often times the most extraordinary. When we look back 40 years from now, it’s those quiet moments on and ordinary day, that will shine the brightest.

-You have taught me what your voice sounds like across a room of hundreds of people. The way that I hear and know your faintest cry, is the way the Father knows mine. I didn’t understand that until now.

-You have taught me that it’s ok to say “no,” to things. That if my heart is stretched out in too many places, that it can’t be full anywhere. That my family and my home are my greatest ministry. That I may have to say no to some to give my best yes to what matters most, and that’s ok! We will never look back and regret saying yes to our people.

-You have taught me what it feels like to watch you struggle with sickness and pain and not be able to tell you- “Son, you WILL get through this.” Just the way our Father does to us when we go through gut wrenching times that we can’t see our way out of. He does and I do with you.

-You have taught me ultimate sacrifice. That life’s not just about me anymore and my wants and needs. I’ve had years to learn and grow. You are learning to be human. I have tools to cope, you have just me.

-You have taught me to slow down and cherish every single little moment because blink, and they are gone.

-You have taught me to act crazy and sing off tune and make the silliest faces- because the smile that it puts on your face is worth every bit of “crazy” that I may look like in a fleeting moment. Sing loud, run through the house, hang upside down, just never miss the opportunity to make someone smile.

-You have taught me to slow down. To put down all distractions. To stare back at the person sitting right infront of us. One moment of a distraction, and you could miss it all. Life’s not worth it. Life’s not worth the phone in your hand to miss a smile. Life’s not worth a perfect home to miss cuddling with a child that will soon be too big to cuddle with. Life’s not worth a single thing to miss the moments with the very thing you prayed for.

-You have taught me to go outside more, a place we both love, and to sit and revel in the beauty that stares back at us. When you’re sad, go outside. When you are happy, go outside. When you are angry, go outside. Nature heals- suddenly, everything is pure and precious. Never miss an opportunity to go outside.

-You have taught me to be courageous in a way that I’ve never known. Protecting the very being that my body made. You’ve given me a noble fight in a way that is untouchable.

-You have taught me to do what’s best for us. Even when the world says it’s the wrong way. In the dark and quiet hours of the night, as I nurse you back to sleep beside me, those memories of your hands and face falling back to sleep in my arms are the memories that I find to be priceless. Everyone told me not to co-sleep or nurse you to sleep, but I chose to and for that, I am forever grateful. Those are the nights that I will replay in my head for the rest of our days.

-You’ve taught me to listen to my gut and to trust the discernment that God has given me. Being a mother is such a special gift. I used to be terrified of it and feared if I would do it “correctly.” Everyone would say, “It just comes natural.” And boy does it! It’s one of the most precious gifts that God has given to us.

-You have taught me once and every single day that miracles do happen. Every-single-time I look at you, I am reminded of that. My very own miracle.

-But most of all, you have allowed me to feel the fiercest love that I believe ever did exist. Agape, unconditional love. People talk about the love of a child, but until I got to experience a love I never thought I would, I had no idea what fierce really meant, until you.

You have changed everything about me, in the best of ways.

Thank you Jasper Mac for 6 of the best months of our lives. Mommy and daddy love you to infinity and forever.