There are so many moments with Jasper clinging tightly to my body and my heart clinging back where I find myself with a heart that could literally explode. I walk by a mirror and I see this view and it all feels like a dream. I capture the still shot to never forget. This is real… he is real. This is life!

To be quite honest, I believe that God instilled the desire to be a mom inside of me the day I entered into this world myself. Thirty-three years is a long time living for a dream and a desire. But, looking back over the trajectory of my life and His perfect plan- 33 years, 2 months and 26 days was the absolute best time to birth not only Jasper Mac, but a new part of me that I’m just now meeting. Everything makes sense.

I feel as if I walked into a calling that I had been missing all these years. I thought I knew me pretty well but really, I feel as if I’m just meeting the best parts of me. As if my heart has been touched by one of the greatest gifts known to humankind that allowed for something deep inside of me to blossom.

Many days, I questioned if I would ever get to feel this kind of love-the love of a human being that you created, clinging back to you, pulling on every heart string that ever strung inside of you- and I must say, it has never beat or sung in this kind of way.

There are so many “do’s” and “dont’s” and “just wait for its,” that people tell you in trying to prepare you for motherhood. Ones that ironically come with a negative connotation to the greatest gift of your existence. Some of the ones that I feared the most are my most favorite..

-The late nights

I cherish the silence of just the two of us as I watch his little hands wrap tightly around mine, all while entangling our hearts even closer. Sure, I could use sleep, but I’ll be able to sleep the rest of my life.

-The 20 diaper changes in a day

I weirdly love because I never thought I’d get a life of changing diapers… knowing that his little body is doing exactly what it’s supposed to.

-The tears that come from my child Inconsolable or not. My heart drips as I grab him up and hold him as tight as I can letting him know it’s all going to be ok- knowing myself and John, are the two people in this entire world, that can ease a pain like no other for another human being. Priceless.

-The wearisome days of breastfeeding

I see the miracle in the way that God created my body to supply the child that He’s gifted me with, in exactly what he needs for surviving and thriving. Blessed to be able to do it and forever grateful for the bonding unlike anything else.

-The early morning wake ups

It’s my favorite time of day. Another day to embrace the greatest gift in the world as his eyes slowly open with a smile that could reach from the east coast to the west. Another reminder that it’s a new day and we get to conquer it together.

-The constant need to be touched

Some days I know I should put him down and tend to the rest of the world, but I want to hold him a little tighter.. just a little closer- for just a little longer. One day, I won’t be needed in that way. Holding him a little longer, I trust, is a feeling that I will never regret.

Every night as I nurse him to sleep and say my prayers with him, my heart and mouth speak- “Thank you for this miracle.” And even those words will never be enough…

Another day… We did it…

Another day… We will never get back.

With Love, The mother I never thought I would get to be