The essence of surrender is getting out of God’s way so that He can do in us what He also wants to do through us. -A.W. Tozer

These words have been working and building in this heart of mine for some time now. As I scroll through the notepad on my phone of each experience that I went through titled, “Surrender,” I’ve been pondering on how to recap a year that was so utterly unknown, painful, but yet- also absolutely precious and life changing…. 

For 2020, my word was “SURRENDER.” When I got my word so boldly and clearly for this past year, I fought it, scared to death at what He would require me to surrender. Scared to death at what it would cost. And terrified at the pain and heartache that may come with it. I went into it with my jaw clenched waiting for what was ahead. But, little did I know through the trials and suffering; how precious the ways that God would refine me in pure fire when God gave me that word. That there was a divine purpose for that word and a specific way that it would transform my life for the good. My entire life, as the potters hands have been molding my heart and my life to walk into the woman that He built me to be, the surrender didn’t always feel right or comfortable, but it WAS necessary. 

{Human reaction is to cling to what we have, but God’s will is to surrender and release to what He has.}

There have been moments and situations that have happened in 2020 during my Surrender year, where I have wept thinking, “But God, not that.” Or “I didn’t know that this depth of surrender would hurt this bad, can I take my word back?” Or “But God, how could you let that happen?” And I hear the faint whisper, “Surrender.” 

Surrender isn’t easy and quite honestly, I’ve learned that it can be rather painful. The question I’ve had to ask myself is, “Would you rather pray for a good egg sandwich at breakfast and a safe day or would you rather pray bold prayers to surrender to WHATEVER, and I mean WHATEVER it takes to lead you into your purpose and position? That’s a tough one- Because honestly, some days, I’d rather pray surface level prayers out of fear of the renewing pain, but then Id miss the true miracles in the midst and the greater purpose of my life.

One of the greatest lessons of this season has been coming to the end of myself. I’ve learned that this is the place that usually leads to full fledge surrender. If we continue to keep our claws in situations, people, or things out of fear or whatever feeling it may be, God will let it keep going our way. However, if we release whatever it is that we are holding so tightly to into the hands and will of God, He will do abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine. But it takes release. Pure, whole hearted release. It takes first steps. But most of all, it takes TRUST. 

-One of the first areas of surrender this year was our move to Ecuador. We had it all figured out- The time. The place. The plan. But clearly, God had something else in mind for right now. It was something we didn’t understand. It was a huge weight of unknown. It was a new habit of taking life day by day, not knowing when we would move countries and just trusting that God had it all worked out despite what we thought we already had worked out. His timing is greater than ours is what we’ve learned in bold ways throughout this past year.

The blessings out of a postponed move into fulltime missions at the last minute- We’ve had one of the most incredible years of preparation we could have ever imagined. One I truly don’t know how we would have done full time missions without. Life giving retreats, digging deep into the pains of our pasts and healing in those weighty areas. Connections and visions and preparations for specific areas that God really wants us to focus on. Without the surrender of “our plan and our time” of this move, we would have missed out on some of the most powerful healing and works of our time for His greater plan.

-Another area of surrender last year was losing one of my very best friends, Tara, here on earth and heaven gaining her. Something that is still so hard to talk about without tears. For years, this battle persisted. I guess this was an area that I knew would require surrender after what doctors said, but of course that hope inside of me wished for a miracle. I miss her every single day. When we found out we were pregnant, I went to pick up my phone to tell her the news. I found myself many times after that going to text her to update her with something exciting about the baby, but with no Tara on the other end. This is still a hard one for what 2020 and surrender consisted of. One that I desperately fought. But in the irony of it all, and with something I still don’t quite understand, God told me that He did answer my prayers. I prayed for healing over her body and that’s exactly what He gave us. Whole and dancing in the fields of heaven. Probably eating Spanky’s chicken tenders and soaking in the sun on the seashores of heaven.

The blessings I’ve found through Tara’s loss- Somedays I struggle finding the blessing in this but I find it funny that since she has been gone, God has shown himself through rainbows which was her sign that she wanted after she was gone from this earth. I can’t tell you how many times and in what crazy scenarios, but they are utterly divine. Three rainbows and the only ones I had seen since she had been gone. The day that Baby McLeod was conceived, the day we found out that he was going to be a boy, and the day I left her celebration of life- If that’s not God and a pure blessing, I don’t know what is.

-One of the other areas of surrender was having Covid and the Covid season. It wasn’t pleasant for all. With a couple very close to me that it changed their life forever. It has been a terrifying illness that has shaken the world in 2020 and the beginnings of 2021. It has changed the trajectory for almost every life here on this earth. I wasn’t scared of it, but in some fleshly ways, I was. I know my day is appointed, but going alone was my fear of it all if this be it. I remember getting the call like it was yesterday.. “Mrs. McLeod, you are Covid positive and here is the protocol that you must follow.” Staying away from my husband and my dogs being the top two. Thank goodness for a wonderful husband who refused to leave my side and dogs who of course were right beside me. It was mild, praise God. But came with a freedom that I made it through, not knowing how this kidney disease of mine would do. I had to surrender each day in prayer that it wouldn’t get worse, and even if it did, that I would be ok no matter what.

The blessings of Covid-19- First off… Baby McLeod was the biggest one. A forced slow down. Time to ponder on life. To grow together. To feel a settled joy again. Room to dream. To work in the garden. To slow down and watch the sunsets. To see the love of people come together to care for us and to check on us. Sometimes what we deem the scariest or most unwanted seasons of life, end up being the most precious.

-One of the next areas of surrender was losing my 17 year old first child, Chancey. She was my whole world. She was everything that I had known since I was a teenager. She had walked through almost every stage of life with me and some of the greatest challenges of my adulthood. She never left my side. She was always a constant. And 2020, I had to surrender her to cross over rainbow bridge. It was one of the days I dreaded since the day I fell in love with her knowing that the day would eventually come where I would have to say goodbye.

The blessing of losing Chancey- She had been through infertility with me, multiple pregnancy losses, and she was ALWAYS there. The silver lining was she crossed over rainbow bridge when I was 11 weeks pregnant and entering the safe zone. With my whole entire heart, I fully believe she beat all odds of every vets speculation and death sentence from years before to hang on with me until she knew that her mom was going to be ok. Where she knew that I may be losing her, but I was gaining another child here on earth with me. I always dreamed of her being that protector and best friend to my children one day. We won’t get that with her now, but I know with my whole heart as she laid curled around my stomach as we put her down, that she knew he was in there and that I would be ok. Isn’t it ironic how life seems to play out with surrender? I used to resist even thinking about the day she would be with me no more, but something in me had peace knowing that she waited and knew that we would all be ok without her.

-One of the greatest areas of surrender in 2020 for me was being a mother. An area that He really worked on in my heart and had been working on for over a decade. It was an incredibly painful area that I held tightly to with my own wishes and desires. There were many days that I really questioned if I was meant to be a mother, if I was meant to carry a child. I questioned God on the deep desire that He had put in my heart and I begged Him to take it away if I wasn’t supposed to have children of my own. And something this year changed in me. I laid it down- Not necessarily the desire, but the timing. Something told me it would be after we got to Ecuador, but God had a different plan that I am so grateful for. I remember John asking me two months before we got pregnant, “Do you think we will be able to ever have children?” And I calmly and confidently replied, “I absolutely do. I don’t know when but I do believe that God will fulfill those desires of our heart in His time.” And it’s funny because I truly believed what I said when I spoke that. Something that hadn’t happened before. God fulfilled once I let go. He gave to us once I laid it all down. That desire was always there for a reason… It just had to be in His perfect way and in His perfect time.

The blessings in the wait to become parents- God absolutely did major work in both of our hearts this year and I truly believe that was the work of His hands in preparing us to become the parents that He wants us to be for this little boy to raise him up as a warrior. The wait for a child is something that is so utterly unexplainable but the joy that comes when that long awaited day arrives is something that cannot be fully expressed. And we still aren’t there yet. A true blessing in the waiting with grateful and overwhelming hearts.

I believe there are areas of our lives that we all had to surrender to in 2020 without even knowing it. The trajectory of life, even when we don’t understand that pain that it causes. Many of those places may still be areas that we are battling and fighting- Some we may have already accepted and embraced. We have two choices… Sometimes, it’s not the times you decide to fight, but the times you decide to surrender, that make all the difference in the world.

We know and trust what the enemy means for evil, God will always make good. (Genesis 50:20)

So today, what do you need to surrender? What do you have your hands so tightly clung to that God can’t even reach in and get a grip because your hands are in the way? What is that one thing that you need to surrender that you are still holding onto and trying to control? Maybe it’s your marriage or maybe it’s perfectionism. Maybe it’s control or maybe it’s fear. We all have one, but we most likely have many. We will always have something as life transitions into the different seasons. Surrender is something that we will never stop working on. Start with one area of surrender and watch the incredible ways that God will work. Don’t forget the refining of the diamond is temporary and worth the Masterpiece in the end. And just when you think you’ve surrendered, surrender more…

Not my will but yours be done. Luke 22:49