“God said I need somebody strong enough to pull sleds and find bombs, yet gentle enough to  love babies and lead the blind. Somebody who will spend all day on a couch with a resting head and supportive eyes to lift the spirits of a broken heart, so God made a dog.”

Surrender has been my word for 2020 and today, I had to surrender one of the greatest gifts ever given to me and man, did it ache. Today I said goodbye to my best friend, my first child, my defender, my side kick, my 70 pound lap dog, my constant, and the best gift that God ever gave me. She was my protector, never letting me out of her sight and standing beside me when she knew I wasn’t ok. God knew to give me something strong and tender to walk beside me in life for the days that I would endure. For nearly 16 years she has kept me going. She has walked through every stage of the last two decades with me. She has licked many tears from my face. She sat in the valleys with me and ran across mountain tops. She brought me some of the greatest joys that I’ve ever known. She endured life’s trials with me. She loved me even when I wasn’t so lovable. And, she never left my side.

I was 17 and I remember it like it was yesterday. A co-worker came and got me out of the pharmacy that I was working at and told me there was a dog walking down the old dirt road behind the office. At that point, I had been out of the rescue scene for some time, but would still help anything in sight. 

After searching the dirt road, I finally found her in a little hole that she had dug beside a dried up creek with the little bit of life that she had left in her, to take her last breath. Completely emaciated, hungry, and terrified of any human being or moving object, I picked her up like a baby in my arms and her head fell straight back with no strength to hold it upright. I put her in my car and took her to the vet that I had worked at. They took her right in and kept her on IV’s for days to keep her alive. I would go visit her every day. As she would let me get closer, I would run my hands over her every bone that was sticking out of her skin. As she pasted herself as close as she could get to the back corner with no eye contact hooked up to IV’s, she began to trust me. I would get a kiss here, and a paw there. With all intentions of rehoming her, I fell in love with her. After living an estimated year and a half of pure trauma, I thought, how could I give up this precious thing who has finally allowed herself to love again… 

So I named her Chancey, because she had a chance. And then she was mine. 

I remember bringing her home from the vet like it was yesterday. Still frail and so scared of the world. She trembled at the world for the next ten years or so, but I began to watch her come alive little by little. She began to settle in her heart, knowing that she was ok and was going to be ok. We began to take car rides everywhere and visit places where I could watch her let go and be free. She was like a cheetah as fast as she could go. She pranced around the yard like a princess. I watched her frail body turn into a muscular beauty. 

She lived through multiple experiences where some of the best vets said she would never make it, and she did. She was a fighter, and looking back, I think she fought to stay by my side. Not because she needed me, but because I needed her. 

I loved to watch her incredible personality come out over the next 16 years. If you’ve ever seen a dog wear a smile, she wore one well! And if you didn’t know a dog could hold your hand, she could and would. But what was most incredible was how hard she loved and how vulnerable she allowed herself to be after being hurt so badly by a human being. She taught me a lot of life lessons in that. She never withheld love or stopped loving because she had been hurt. She was never afraid to love too much. She loved deep and she loved wholly and she never held back. I guess that’s how God made them.

Some days, I wish I knew what the first part of her life looked like before me. What happened to cause that much pain to a precious creature like her. But other days I’m glad I don’t. Because either way, all I could do was to love her hard no matter what her past was, meeting them right where they are at. To reiterate that we wouldn’t ever hurt her again and to love her just as hard as she loved us, which many days we failed at completely. But it never stopped her from loving us. 

We’ve waited on this day for sometime now. It’s been incredibly hard watching her grow old and not do the things she once loved to do. But making that decision, without a shadow of a doubt, will be one of the hardest I will ever have to make. As much as you try to prepare for death you just can’t. As we took our last lap around the yard and curled up in the floor with her as she took her last breath, I told her how much I loved her and I thanked her for 16 years of selflessness. I can find peace knowing that she isn’t hurting anymore- physically or mentally. I must have ran my hands across her a thousand times today wanting to never forget the feeling of her. 

I have to choose joy from here on it and cherish the precious time that I did have with her for so many years. I have forever memories that I can hold onto and will never forget. She put a smile on so many faces and brought joy to many broken places. I can hold onto the lessons tightly that she taught me about fear and loving without fear. I can hold onto the moments where I watched her heart come alive and emerge out of the shell that she had been confined to for so many years after the trauma she endured. I can hold onto the 16 years that she comforted me through many hard seasons. I can hold onto the immense joy that she brought to our family and friends. I can hold onto the cuddles of a 70 pound lap dog that I wouldn’t trade for the world. And most of all, I can hold onto the precious miracle gift that she was to me and to us that will live on forever.

God knows what we need, even when we don’t think we need it. And He knew I needed her.

See that’s the thing about a dog’s love and a divine appointment of them finding the ones that need them most. I thought I saved her that day but in all reality, she saved me over and over for 16  years. 

Enjoy rainbow bridge sweet girl, you will live on forever in my heart. Run happy and free!

Daddy, Buddy, and I will love you forever!