Today was one of those tough days for me. For no obvious reason other than life’s lemons that we all have to squeeze once in a while. And for a girl who jumps out of the bed ready for the day, I woke up dreading getting out of bed and went straight to praying for this weight to be released because I knew what was there. I prayed to find that peaceful soul that I know is in there, and for a calm that only he can give to me. It’s in the realm of more than what we can understand in the moment. I struggle making sense of it all. I ponder and overthink trying to figure it out and trying to work it out and make it all better. And some days, it’s in that wait where we grow, it just takes a little extra time.

I used to be so hard on myself for waking up or having hard days. “You aren’t supposed to feel like this Chelsea, you aren’t supposed to struggle… act like everything is ok and that life if perfect. Smile through tears, and when someone asks if you’re ok,  say yes and they’ll never know! Goodness forbid you bring someone down with your struggles. Why can’t you just get over this?” But in all truth, life hurts, I’ve hurt others and they’ve hurt me, and not to lessen the sting but we are all broken people walking through this thing called life. Some days just take a little longer to feel the freedom of the sting. And in all reality, life never is nor will it ever be perfect or wonderful all days of life. In those darkest moments is where the most growth seems to happen. Some of my darkest nights are what built the brightest parts to me and my gentle soul.

After the last well, 30 years of my life, it’s been a roller coaster full of painful reminders and wholesome and ever so wonderful experiences. Fear sometimes gets the best of me, to which I allow circumstantially in my weakest moments.  Some days we just need time to work it all out…  Time to be ok, time to learn that the rug won’t always be ripped right out from beneath me, time to learn that it’s ok- to just be ok. Because sometimes feeling right and steady after feeling so wrong and lost for so long, is the hardest thing to get used to.

It’s ok to not be ok, but it’s not ok to stay that way. So I write this to share that we all have bad days. Every single one of us. And for those of you out there that are hard on yourself for having those hard days, don’t be. Love yourself through them and be gentle with yourselves. Take a little extra care of yourself on these days. Let the pain, fear, and struggles sink in, then let them grow you. Let them build you and fill in those sink holes for every struggle that you overcome.

I learned to find that safe place to go when my soul needs it the most. And in the most convenient times or best of times, I will sneak down to the dock to come back into alignment of where God wants me to be. It’s where I go when my spirit is heavy and when my mind is searching for answers. It’s on the river where all I can hear are birds singing, and fish jumping, and on an extra special day, the dolphins will come surprise me. But most of all, it is where I hear God. Tonight as I sat down there, I closed my eyes, and just listened. Something I need to do more of. I listened for his words and his direction. I begged and pleaded with him to give me that sense of peace that I know only he can give when my heart is heavy. “Let me hear you God .” And as I look out over the river that’s as calm as glass, a huge white  feather comes peacefully floating by me and seems to pool up near where my feet are. Something struck inside of me with it’s presence. It’s peace, it’s gentleness, and it’s willingness and ease to go wherever the water chose to take it. The simple fact of trusting in it’s unknown direction. And then, there it was:

And that was my moment. That’s all I needed, as if he ever lets me go without. I know he’s always there, but I felt him even closer this evening just as I always do when I seek. Ask and you shall receive, in my deepest and darkest moments, he never ceases to let me know that he is there covering me and protecting me. How could I believe anything less? In and during these tough days, he covers us and he protects us until we find that refuge and keep on going with his strength. He never ceases to amaze me.