I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you. John 14:18

Father’s Day has never been an easy day for me. I was 4 years old the last time I saw my dad, and I never knew that would be the last time he would wrap me tightly in his arms as he said goodbye. Every year I always ponder the same questions. I wonder if he ever thinks about me, and I wonder if he regrets it. I wonder if he misses me and if he would  be proud of the woman I’ve become. But most importantly I still wonder if he saw me today, would he would want me now? No matter how old I get, the hole in my heart created by my father’s absence still aches at points in life. I have forgiven him many times. I have spent my entire life span on earth overcoming his absence in my life, something every girl longs for. I no longer search for love from him and have healed from the pain of the past. As I have written in past blogs, I love my father and I am still thankful for him. I have forgiven him for abandoning us all those years ago and I am grateful that he walked out of a life that he didn’t think he could handle. Maybe he was scared when he walked away. Maybe he’s still walking away from every good thing that came into his life followed by a trail full of tears. I remember crocodile tears streaming out of my big green eyes, running down my chubby cheeks as we drove out of the Dairy Queen parking lot after anxiously waiting only to realize that he was never going to be waiting there for us again.  I wept all the way home and ran to find the phone book as fast as I could. I searched endlessly for his number as my mom sat there and held me. I blamed it on her in that tragic moment that he didn’t want us when all along she was my safe place and the one who would never give up on us. She knew that the heart of her little girl was shattered into a million little pieces and she just had to let me hurt it out. I loved my daddy, oh did I love him. My mom gave me a box full of my childhood memorabilia and just 2 short months ago I decided to go through this box and had no idea what I was about to uncover. There are so many questions that I have about my childhood and how him walking out of our lives affected me as a little girl. I question if he loved me as a father was supposed to for the short time that he was present. I felt loved, but I was only 4.  I found pictures of him and I, and I just sat there and wept. I remember bits and pieces of him being a daddy and I remember me following him everywhere but to see these pictures from the outside opened my eyes. I saw his face and how he looked at me with love in his eyes and how he held me so tightly like a father does and in that moment I realized that he did love me, but he wanted better for me than what he could give me himself as screwed up as his world was. I have always struggled throughout my life more than anyone knows with missing my daddy and missing that bond that every girl wants and needs. I was always the girl who stood on the sidelines at father daughter dances wondering where he was and wishing he was there and I never got daddy daughter date nights because he was my forever missing piece.  But with full truthfulness, my life has been a better place because of the decision that he made to walk out. Being a daddy isn’t for the faint of heart, and I’m thankful that he knew that we deserved better. I understand it now, his lack of presence isn’t a reflection of who I am. Back when I had Facebook, I received a random message from his current wife. She told me that my dad still had my baby pictures up in their house. She said “Chelsea, your daddy loves you more than you will ever know and he misses you.” It has been 24 years since I have seen him and felt my fathers arms. And it has taken me years to realize that God’s plan is still always better than mine. He gave me a box full of darkness and it took me years to realize that this too, is a gift.

I still remember the days that I prayed for the things that I have now. Being in the latter end of my twenties, I look back in awe now at how God has worked throughout my life. He has made my hurt beautiful and has supplied people for me where my father was absent. He intertwined special relationships that have guided my feet and heart through life so far. And because of this, there are three areas that I choose to be thankful for on Father’s Day:

One thing that I realized is that a good step-parent can literally turn the life of a child around. And so he did. When my step dad entered my life 15 years ago, I wasn’t the easiest person to get along with when it came to my mom and I (I’m still apologizing). She was everything I had and I was terrified for someone to take her from me. From a little girl I kept close tabs on her making sure that nothing ever happened to her. But little did I know that this man would come in a fill a heart full of holes that no one had ever been able to fill before. He’s who I call my dad.  He didn’t just choose my mom but he chose all of us as a package deal. He stepped in where another stepped out. He saw every laugh, caught every tear, and rejoiced when I found restoration.  It took me years to let my guard down and to let him love me. He has taught me what the true definition of a Godly man of integrity and husband are but most importantly he taught me what it feels like to be loved by a father, something I yearned for for many many years.  He knows me like no other and has spent years unraveling the mess that my father made. Piece by piece he collected me. He is patient with me and he is gentle with my heart. He reveals my worthiness and reminds me of the woman that I truly am. Days when I don’t believe in myself, he does. He is my safe place and my sound reasoning. He restored my faith that a man can be kind and a father could stay.  He pushes me to pursue my dreams and is always there by my side even when I fall on my butt. And the best part is that he didn’t have to, but he chose ME. There is no greater feeling in the world. I now know what it feels like to be in my father’s arms again, he’s my safe place and my first love, my true hero.

When I was younger, I had an epiphany that came out of nowhere. To this day, I can’t remember or put my finger on why my life changed so drastically in this very moment. For years I had longed for a father and had looked for that love in many different places. I had been so hard on myself trying to suffice for being “good enough” since I didn’t feel good enough for my dad (or so I thought prior to this) and then one day it hit me. All these years, I’ve had a father this whole time. Right by my side, protecting me and leading me. He was there when I would cry, and he was there when I was full of laughter and joy.  He was always there and most importantly he will never leave me. Psalms 68:5 says that “He is a Father to the fatherless” and he says in Psalms 146:9 that “the Lord watches over the fatherless.” and that was me, I was fatherless. I realized I had been searching for this love that had been sitting there pursuing me all of this time. And He chose me. And despite my father leaving me, God never will. I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.

Happy Father’s Day mom. I thank her for stepping into the shoes of being a father and a mother. Not a day goes by that I don’t question how she did it. So many days I know you must have felt like giving up. I don’t know how she kept going. She will still tell you that God got her through. She didn’t choose to raise us on her own, but she did a fine job at it.  Emotionally she had to be the father and the mother for us. She is one of the strongest women I have ever known and I’m blessed enough to call her mom.  I am thankful for the lessons that she showed us and the example that she led by. People tell me I’m just like you, and I could not accept a more precious compliment. I will never in a thousand years over be able to repay her for what she did for Ethan and I and for being a father and a mother to us. Any woman can be a mother but it takes an awe-inspiring mom to be a dad too.

I would be lying if I told you that Father’s Day will never be a difficult holiday for me. There will always be a longing deep in my most vulnerable places. But I will tell you that I am beyond thankful for the Father(s) that God has blessed me with throughout my life thus far. This life has taught me so many valuable lessons in my short 28 years here on earth and if it has taught me one thing, it’s to be what my biological father was not. One day, God willing that that he fulfills one of my biggest dreams of having a family of my own, I will never for one day take them for granted.  You don’t know good until you’ve been through bad. And forever, I will cherish what Father’s Day truly means to me and be eternally grateful for the healing that he has allowed me to embrace.

To the fatherless, love yourself enough to honor your pain. And know that no one else is going to think any less of you because you acknowledge there is a wounding there. And in that wound, I promise you, buried beneath the pain, the shame, the guilt, the fear of that wound is your power.

Piece by Piece you Collected Me. 

In a song by Jonathan David, No Longer Slaves the lyrics send chills up and down my spine… and in that moment, I remember WHOSE I am. 

“No Longer Slaves”