You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.-John 13:7

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awarness Month. We sleep safely in the belief that if we are good people, then good things will happen to us. We hear tragic stories and know for some people and hope for others that that those life wrenching situations will never be us, that we will never have to be the one to bury our child or be told that the child that is growing inside of us no longer has a heartbeat. I think we all have this dream and plan in our head, but God always has his own beautiful plan of his own for us. This is a part of my story that a lot of people don’t know about me. Ive dealt with not only 1 loss, but the loss of 2 precious children that had been prayed so long for. Some people say that they were taken too soon, But I believe that God needed two angels more than they were needed here on earth. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about them and what they would look like now and what the sound of their voice would be like crying out for me, or what would make them laugh, and what it would feel like to hold them tightly in my arms. What I would do to have those sweet arms wrapped around my neck and to be able to kiss them anytime I wanted. But better than that, God is holding them both in his arms so tightly right now and what a peaceful joy that is to know. I know God had and has a greater plan for this story. I must say thus far in my life, loosing a child is the worst pain I have ever endured physically, emotionally, and mentally. But I can tell you one thing- God granted me the peace that I couldn’t or wouldn’t have had without him. I whole heartedly have no idea how people endure tragic life events without God by their side. Did I have questions? You have no idea, Endless questions. I didn’t understand…why us? We were good people. God came first and we would be good parents and would love them so completely. I didn’t understand why all of these people who didn’t want children and didn’t take care of them could have as many as they wanted and we couldn’t have one. I didn’t understand what I had done to deserve this. Having a family was my biggest ambition in life, and that dream was crushed in that very moment in time, but I still knew God was in control. October and Mother’s Day always come very hard to me because of the loss of my very own precious beings. The tears flow freely every Mothers Day. That’s one of those days that I just want to sleep through. Every piece of me wants to skip church on Mother’s Day Sunday, But I won’t let the devil take that away from God and from me. Infertility and pregnancy loss are 2 subjects that are not spoken of which is a shame. Why you ask? Maybe because it hurts beyond expressible words, or maybe because it’s embarrassing because people automatically think there is something wrong with you when the majority of the time you are perfectly healthy, or maybe because you don’t want people to see you break down when the painful memories come flooding back or when you can’t even handle your present ones. One thing I can say about the pain that will always be there and the children that will never be forgotten is that God has a plan that surpasses our wildest dreams and imagination. And when we don’t understand, he does. And when there are days you don’t have the words to mutter a prayer, he hears you. And when there are days you feel all alone, he has you wrapped so tightly in his arms telling you it’s going to be ok. He might take you on unlikely paths through quiet seasons where you wonder if you heard him wrong. You’ll feel unnoticed. You’ll wrestle. and in the harder moments you will question God. It is crucial to trust him in these trying times. He will meet you there, and tweak you there. He’s developing your character. The moment this reality finally washes over you, you’ll fall to your knees thanking him with every fiber of your soul. It’s not about the assignment at all, it’s about staying in alignment with his heart. Protect that with the fiercest passion and every bit of fight you have in you. Through this storm is where I found my peace. These are 4 bold lessons (on top of many more)  that I learned through such a tragic yet beautiful stage of my life that Changed me forever:
1) Life is tragically beautiful
There WILL be moments that will break your heart, both big and small. You will be subject to heartache that you would not wish on your own worst enemy. But through this heartache, there will be moments of beauty. I promise you that. Looking back now, I can still recall the beautiful circumstances and people that God intricately placed in my life to help me during the darkest times. The special people who he put in my life that I needed and the signs that he gave endlessly letting me know that he had me wrapped ever so tightly. I still have the books and the endless amount of cards from such precious souls so close to me that helped shine light on his comfort. These are the things that make continuing the fight worth it. The feeling of loss will always be there but, He still reminds us of his mercy every single day, you just have to recognize it.
2.) Always choose your words wisely. One of my favorite quotes says “People are fighting battles that we know nothing about.” There are certain things I learned from personal experience that you don’t say. Once words are said they can be forgiven, but not forgotten. I still remember as vividly as it was this morning walking into Sams Club on Mother’s Day afternoon and a woman said “Happy Mother’s Day…. If you are a mom.” To her lack of knowing, I had just lost a baby 2 days before. My heart broke into a million pieces. I don’t blame that woman-not one bit, she had no idea what I was going through and was simply being kind. In fact, I still see that woman at the door every time I go to Sams. My lesson from that situation and something I want everyone to know is that more people than you know are struggling with these trials-1 in 8 couples to be exact. Be careful with your questions and your words. Be careful when you tell someone after the loss of a child that “everything happens for a reason.” Be careful when you tell people to “just relax and it will happen.” Be careful when you tell someone “it’s just not your time yet.” Be careful when someone is hurting and you say “well you can have mine.” I promise every single one of us would gladly take them. Be careful when you tell someone “the child was better off.” Be careful when you ask people who don’t have a child when they are going to have children. Be careful when you ask when you see twins if twins run in the family. Be careful with your words before you break someone even further than they are already broken. Sometimes all we want is an ear to listen or someone to sit in the room and be silent with us. If you don’t know what to say, say nothing at all and bless them with your presence. If I’ve learned one major lesson in life.. it’s to be careful with words, you never know what kind of battle people are fighting.
3.) Share your story. I kept mine all too hidden. Only the closest knew or the ones who figured out. I am at fault for that in life in general. I’m a champ at smiling through tears. Only the people who know me most know when I am struggling. I don’t like people to see me weak and hurting. I always want everything to be ok not only for myself but for others. I also hate to cry in front of people. With that said and lessons learned along the way.. YOU CAN’T DO LIFE ALONE. My Pastor Perry always says “It’s ok to not be ok, but it’s not ok to stay that way.” It took me a long time to open up about what I had already endured and what was currently happening in my life in many different situations until I realized that I needed help and that I needed support to help me through the toughest times and that my life didn’t always have to be perfect. I received true blessings and freedom from opening up and sharing my story. I also was blessed with support beyond my wildest imagination. Your story is YOUR story, NEVER be ashamed of it. God has used me in incredible ways, ways that he never could have, had I of not endured the pain. Own your story and step out, not only for yourself, but for God to use you help others who need you. If you never open up, you will never reach the people who need you the most. It’s defeats the greater purpose for his glory.
4.) You are stronger than you think you are. You know God says he will never give you anything you can’t handle. There were days I didn’t think I would come through the struggles and the loss. But God knows you can and walks right beside you. The only choice I had was to keep moving forward, thank goodness I’m stubborn and a fighter! God will give you his strength when you feel as if you have none. People still to this day can’t fathom all that I’ve been through at such a young age. They wonder how I’m such a cheerful person who loves the Lord and life more than anything. 1 answer.. His strength,  not my own. I am learning to trust the journey even when I don’t understand it. Does it still hurt? You bet it does! Some days worse than others but I know that I will see them again very soon. You are strong because you have been weak and you now know that you can handle anything through him. And remember, always wear your tragedies as armor, not shackles.

God changed me forever through the loss of 2 children. I endured pain that many people will never understand and I hope with every fiber in me that they never have to. God always uses us for his greater glory. I wholeheartedly am thankful beyond words for every bit of pain and tears and questions and sleepless nights that I endured. For without that, I would not have near the compassion that I now have for couples going through the very same situation. I would not know what a true miracle and blessing that a child is and how truly intricate a growing child is to the woman’s body that God has divinely planned and created. To say that God has used me is an understatement. He has put uncountable women and couples in my life who needed strength, Someone to simply say “I understand.” Sometimes, that’s all we need to know is that we aren’t alone in this battle. He has put an unfathomable amount of women who sit in my chair. I swear every time he puts them there, the client and I happen to be the only people In the salon at that time where we can talk freely, cry if we want to, and heal a little all at the same time. That’s not luck, that’s Gods divine appointments. I know what it feels like to feel so alone and to feel as if no one in the world understands. I have a faithful heart and a settled assurance that I will be a mommy one day, under his agenda, not mine. As it says in Job 1:21, God is a God who gives and takes away, blessed be thy name. Thank you God from the bottom of my heart for everything you allowed me to endure and for using me in ways that I never knew I could be used. Thank you for the women and men that you put in my life that need me and that need you. Please flood my life with those people forever and for always. I can’t wait till that special day when I walk through those pearly gates and my sweet babies coming running into my arms. Thank you for taking care of them, after all they were always yours, just loaned to us for a short period of time. I wouldn’t rather have them anywhere else but in your loving arms. Give them a big hug and kiss for me!