“You get a strange feeling when you leave a place, like you’ll not only miss the people you love, but you miss the person you are at this time and place because you’ll never be this way ever again. “

I have never been very good at goodbyes, and I realized that even more at this very point in my life. I have fallen in love with these people of Ecuador. Having to say goodbye possibly for the last time ever was not easy. I am so thankful for this beloved opportunity that God so graciously blessed me with. To be able to love on these sweet souls despite it possibly being the last time I ever see them is a scenario that I wouldn’t trade the world for. I would say chao for now, not adios forever.

Saturday was a tough day, waking up knowing it was my last morning to open my eyes on Ecuador soil made me quite emotional to say the least. I decided to take my last long run on the shore of the Pacific to take in the last look at God’s beauty there for a while. Anna and I rode with Eccedro to Bolivar in his truck that he delivers water in, and boy am I thankful we got that last ride. He took us to one of the highest points in our little town that felt as if we were standing over the whole world and I could not get over the eyeshot of what stood before me. What a lovely and magnificent artist that he is. I’ve never felt or seen anything like it, with a tall standing white cross that set the stage for the beauty that radiated all around. A reminder that it’s him, it’s all him. I still lose my breath thinking back to that moment.

I got the pleasure of meeting a sweet soul named Rosa during our goodbyes. I had been waiting to meet her all week, and thought I had lost my opportunity, but God had a different plan. She  absolutely beautiful inside and out. Her house stands with three walls and three little beds. She has 8 children, 1 who was just born 3 months ago. Her husband passed away right before she gave birth to the baby about 4 months ago, so now she is left raising all 8 children and trying to make ends meet all on her own. She is so strong, although sometimes she probably feels as if the world is crashing down around her. It broke me to the core when I saw their living conditions. The baby, such a precious child,  was born with Down Syndrome and a digestive issue. To be completely honest, I don’t know how long he will be able to survive. My heart has never fallen in love so quickly. With an intense passion for special needs, the moment I laid my eyes on him, he had already stolen a piece of my heart. There was a little girl who I fell in love with named Angie, who would find me as soon as I got off the bus and run and wrap me up while yelling my name came walking in the home. I realized at that point that this was her home and this is where she lived day in and day out. Angie portrayed what true joy was and what joy looked like, and she lived in these conditions with no floors and no 4^th wall to the home and little food to eat, but that never stopped her from loving wholeheartedly. I felt so selfish at that point, greatly humbled to what life truly is about. It’s not about what we have or don’t have, but what’s in our hearts that makes life worthwhile.

We also got to go say goodbye to Sabina and pray with her and over her. Angel was not there unfortunately. I hated leaving without hugging that sweet mans neck. I was so happy to see her sweet soul. We gathered around and laid our hands on her and prayed. With God felt ever so present, we all cried bittersweet tears including Sabina. She still had her bible reader sitting on her dresser in a bag to protect it. Sweetest thing ever. The hardest part about saying goodbye to these sweet friends is that I truly don’t know if I will ever see her again. At 86, with poor health there is a strong possibility that I hugged her for the very last time. As much as that feeling hurts, I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to hug her for the first time and possibly for the last time and that the Lord put this sweet couple in my life this week. I would rather hug her 10 times in a week than to of never had that opportunity at all. They too have forever changed me.

When we got back to the house from saying our goodbyes, Carlos and Janette had set up a little going away lunch for us. Carlos asked me if we could talk. For the next 30 minutes we spent in a deep conversation that would change my heart even more than it already had this week. I was so thankful for the relationship that I was able to form with Janette while I was at their home throughout the week, but did not get much chance to talk with Carlos simply because of the busyness. He shared with me that he saw my heart and how he knew that my heart was different as soon as I walked through that door the very first day.  Sometimes I think having a gentle heart hurts more than it does good and sometimes I wish my heart wasn’t as gentle as it is. I needed to hear that because it validated to me that I have a do have a special heart, and that it’s ok to be so soft and vulnerable in life, and to embrace what the Lord has graciously given me. I would rather be gentle and get hurt than to be harsh and hurt others. He asked if we could pray together and his large and hardworking hands held my little hands and we prayed together. We both cried. I would give anything to be able to go back and hear his powerful words again in that very moment and to feel what I felt at that very second.  It was the most beautiful prayer and I heard God’s words and I felt him ever so strong. I don’t know what it is, but I felt so close with Carlos and Janette this week. I miss them so dearly already. They offered me the opportunity to come back whenever I would like to come work with them, and I absolutely will take them up on that. I am in search of where God wants me to go next with missions, wherever he wants me I will go. I am thankful for this opportunity. I’m beyond grateful and thankful for this couple who has changed so many lives both in Ecuador and in America. I don’t think they have any idea of the capacity at how they are changing lives. I can speak first hand at the difference they made in mine forever.

I gave our last devotion Saturday morning during devotions. I was wanting to do it earlier in the week, but I think it was fitting for everyone as we transition back into our everyday lives. I know it’s going to be hard for all of us. I chose Colossians 3:23-24. Whatever you do, work at it with all of your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. I think we all learned what working with our whole hearts meant and felt like this week. Despite the tiredness, or sickness, or uncomfortableness, each and every person gave it all they had and loved to an intensity that we had never experienced before. I don’t want to ever look back through any situation in life knowing that I could have loved more or poured my heart out a little stronger. I want to go with my whole heart, through every opportunity in life. I want us to realize that everything that we do and every situation that we are in is for a divine purpose and reason set out by God, although we may not know what it is yet. Life will hand us situations that will change our lives. Situations that hurt more than words can begin to describe, and situations that help us to experience the true meaning of joy and of God’s plan. This week hurt, goodness did it hurt. I saw and experienced stuff that I will never forget. Experiences that honestly I would have rather not seen, but I did and it changed me. I prayed for God to rip my heart wide open and for him to break my heart for what breaks his and he did every bit of that and more. That hurt that I experienced changed me for the better. With that hurt also came the most intense joy and fulfillment that I have ever felt. In my mind I was going to Ecuador to help the people, but in reality they helped me and changed me forever. Every dull or immense task changes when done for our Creator. He loves us, and we love him. When you experience the capacity for love between us and him, working with our whole heart becomes natural because we learn to love like he does, and work like he does, and speak like he does. God please let me always love with a heart like yours.

One of my biggest lessons this week was that “love has no language.” That lesson prevailed over and over and over again. My biggest fear going into this mission trip was the language barrier seeing as though I didn’t know any Spanish. I took French in high school and don’t even remember much of that! I wasn’t afraid of the travel, or the disease, or being open with the people at all. I was simply afraid of not being able to communicate with the people who I wanted so badly to talk to and share with and listen to. I realized very quickly that language was not what we were there for. It was a hug, and a smile, and the compassion that flowed out of our hearts that connected us together. These children didn’t care that we couldn’t speak, they just wanted a hug and someone to hold them ever so tightly. It was something they longed for. We all felt the capacity of God’s love through the love in our actions, smiles, and arms so intensely that we didn’t need to communicate through words. People don’t always listen to our words and remember what we say, but they will always watch our actions and remember what made them feel good or what hurt them. And I pray with everything that I have that these children and people experienced God’s love through us.

The second biggest lesson is that God is in complete control. Kay Warren said: “Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in all things.” Throughout the preparation of this trip we had a lot of road blocks and speed bumps that God placed in the way. But what we couldn’t see was his majestic plan that he had the whole time just as he always does. I learned to let go of life, and let God a little more on this trip. To let go of control and plans, because God is already in control and God already has a plan. Even coming home I have noticed that I have let go of life, I still have my drive and my passion and zeal for life, but when things don’t go as planned, I immediately have the settled assurance that everything is ok. It was a long night through the flights and airports which gave me a lot of time to ponder on the week of events. Today was hard on me. I didn’t want to leave, but I could still feel God’s hands. I saw some beautiful sights that I knew were reminders from him. I was happy to come home and see the people that I have missed but I know I left a part of my heart there. I felt guilty in a sense coming back to my life. I have so much, and they have nothing. If I could give it all to them I would.

Megan picked me up from the church, I was so excited to see her. Over dinner we had a long heart to heart about the trip and my experiences. We both cried. She cried happy tears because she said she saw something different in me. She knows how hard the last couple years have been on me and she knew that this trip has changed me. I let go on this trip. I left part of my heart there, but I also found a part of me that has been missing for a long time. God did a lot of healing on this trip through his perfect timing and perfect way. It took me getting out of my comfort zone, and giving it all for him. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. I learned to love a little stronger, to hug a little tighter, to laugh a little harder, to open up a little more, to be still, to listen more, and to trust not only people a little more but to trust God more. Thank you God for choosing me and giving me this opportunity and for giving me your strength and for letting me experience your creation in the most beautiful way possible. You far surpassed any expectation that I ever had. I absolutely cannot wait to go back and see my new friends and family.